


Conflicted

by bertlebear



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Other, Regret, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-16
Updated: 2021-02-16
Packaged: 2021-03-18 19:35:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,645
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29495157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bertlebear/pseuds/bertlebear
Summary: You confide with Eren over some withheld feelings and regrets.
Relationships: Eren Yeager & Reader, Eren Yeager/Reader
Kudos: 12





	Conflicted

**Author's Note:**

> A little warning that this contains spoilers if you haven't read/watched the Reclaiming Shiganshina Arc!

A piece of hot ember floated along with the breeze, followed by countless others in company, unbothered by the chaos that laid out right in front of them. Soldiers, and also your comrades, had now become two sides at war, fighting tooth and nail over one painstaking choice.

Saving Armin or Erwin. 

Eren collapsed in a trembling rage, blood trickling out from his mouth and dripping onto the grainy tiles of the rooftop. Although the devastating punch given by none other than your squad leader Levi appeared enough to knock any other person out, the twisting in your gut knew it wasn't enough. It seemed like he was mustering everything in him to rise back up again, lifting his shuddering form with a heavy grunt.

You wanted to move towards him when Mikasa suddenly shifted to tackle Levi, a hash cry escaping from her lips. Using pure reflex, she leaped onto him and you heard the clank of metal cutting against his throat.

Then you remembered Hange whispering those heartfelt words, honest yet bitterly tragic like knives through your chest. Levi insisting that everyone leaves, and that you leave the decision to him. You had refused, insisting that you wanted to be with him in his final moments. However you weren’t expecting him to refuse, to avoid your eyes knowing that you’d pry open his fragile heart. You were positive he was able to hear the beginning of your sniffles, a sob escaping from your lips as you were forced to flee. Retreating away from your fears, and hating yourself deeply for it.

Levi thought he was sparing you from the unnecessary agony. But you didn't think your eyes could tear themselves from his lifeless body, matted with dirt and soaked in blood at the abdomen. There was no way for you to figure out the extent of damage, but a persistent in your head told you that Erwin was barely hanging on and wouldn't last for much longer. The weak rise and fall of his chest sent a pang of uncertainty down your spine, his breathes rasping and laboured. If there was a correct way to describe it, you'd thought he looked almost terrified, pleading weakly with a distant expression. You wished that Levi knew how important Erwin was. Not just for the Survey Corps, but to the both of you as a close, cherished friend.

Yet you woke up, realizing all over again that he was never going to come back. The sharp agony in your chest expanded, throat burning with tears that had not been shed yet. You weren't sure how long you could've lasted, but at some point your mind just snapped at the heavy weight of grief. Levi was silent while passing you, but the broken, shattered look behind his eyes gave away everything.

Fingers brushed the back of your hands, you discovered that Levi's hands were more callous than they'd appear to be. They intertwined with a firm squeeze; you assumed it was his habitual way of comforting you as a brother.

"You know why I had to do it. We should put him at rest, after all the immense pressure we've forced him into and the sacrifices he's made."

"Yeah. Erwin had to have his freedom from this hell eventually." You nodded, taking a step through the hallway into Erwin's office. Levi locked glances with you again, one corner of his mouth curved upwards in mute encouragement. Without a moment to spare, he brushed past and closed the door behind you with a soft click. Leaving just you and the corpse that once represented your trusted friend. 

Erwin had been an individual you stuck around often. He was the second brother in your little family, along with Hange and Moblit. You refused to accept that within hours half of your family would be lost, their living and breathing presence vanishing like thin air. Your mind tried to remember and grasp onto every tiny detail of memories, beyond afraid they would slip through the cracks of your fingers. You knew how it was, that nothing lasted forever. But it felt like you were taking every piece of your suffocating soul to remain balanced and move forward.

Erwin's soft beam when you would mutter a joking reply to his orders. His furrowed expression in admonish when pulling you out of danger with his powerful arms. You couldn't forget his calm, mature, demeanour that he brought upon the atmosphere. Not to mention once as you were in a terrible state of mourning, he noticed and placed his arms gently around your weeping form, or those days where he would silently place a cup of tea on your table side. You've grown used to the actions, the exchanges of words in normal conversation, but what met you now was utter stillness save for the sounds of your shaking breathes. 

There was a squeak of the door, and you tore your gaze away from the chilling blanket, vision blurry with upcoming tears. You recognized the voice and wiped your face with your sleeve, the fabric proving to be unpleasant on your skin. Not now, you had to make sure he couldn't see you so vulnerable like this.

Once Eren called your name did his eyes searched the room, landing on your form adjacent to the bedside. "Levi told me you would be in here."

You found your eyes averting to the floor. "Please leave me alone."

"Listen, I know you were close to Erwin, and everything happened so fast. I reacted without thinking of how you or Levi might have felt," You decided to ignore the comment, eliciting a frown from him. The force of his words struck you, dangerously hushed while he gritted his teeth. When his voice broke afterwards, it tugged at your heartstrings in a way you didn’t think was possible. "So you can hit me as many times as you'd like. With my delusional thinking, I deserve last one...!!"

Eren had been abnormally quiet since your return from Shiganshina, and your gut had always known that something was off. He was finally letting out his emotions, but it definitely wasn't the way you'd expected to. You hated making choices; nothing mattered except making sure you wouldn't regret it. A part of you knew it was time to let go of Erwin, although you weren't aware that it'd be so soon.

"No....no...." Yet watching Eren confess in front of you, there was only the twinge of disappointment in the depths of your stomach. Never could you think to hate him, even under all those circumstances that brought you to the present. "It's not your fault..."

You were hesitant to put it into the right words, one hurricane of raw emotions spilling from your chest. "I just wish that...it never had to happen." 

Eren fixed your gaze with a grim stare, and you finally released a shaky sigh while he pulled you against his shoulder. "Me too..." 

"Sometimes we have to make tough decisions, and I bet you must have understood how biased you were, with Armin being your childhood friend."

"I'm sorry...if it weren't for me, Levi would've chosen-"

"No what if's, Eren. Stop it." You shot him a stern glare, eyes steely with the last of your tears trickling down your cheeks. "I understand now, that it's probably better for him this way. I agree with you. Everything we've accomplished was thanks to Armin; he has infinite potential that humanity has yet to witness. That doesn't make the pain easier, but Erwin's finally home, and that's enough for Levi and me."

"I'm glad to hear that." Eren uttered, barely audible to your ears.

"The Scouting League is also in good hands, Hange is more than capable." You held back from chuckling, recalling her tendency to go crazy over her titan research. You made a promise to yourself to make sure she had a new assistant, one that was lively and could handle most pressure that would be thrown onto them by Hange. Meeting Eren's face, another thought surfaced on your mind, your breath catching in overwhelmed gratitude. "And I'll always be with you no matter what." 

With a resolved smile, Eren rose onto his feet, holding out a hand. It was an invitation, not just to leave the room, but also to step into a new world, one without Erwin and yet still holding countless beauties you yearned to discover in place for him. “Let’s go.”

You placed your hand in Eren's and he pulled you up. He bowed at the sheets, eyes closed and feet tucked together in what you predicted to be a solemn, respectful manner while you did the same. Then came the difficult part, where you followed Eren while he murmured a thanks and squeezed your hand tightly, walking away. Heart clenching, you waited until Eren turned around at the entrance of the room, the weak rays of sunlight casting his figure into a faint silhouette. 

You didn't want to turn your back. So you walked towards the exit, but not before pausing at the door frame. You thought Levi mentioned about burying him back home; this would be the last time you ever got to see his body, physical and human. After that, he would become lasting recollections; there wouldn't be another person as unique as him.

He wouldn't be forgotten though, because you would hold him in your heart forever, just like those very words he had spoken to you years ago. With that engrained into your mind, you said your final goodbyes, hoisting yourself over your horse and urging her into a steady gallop. You focused your gaze on the horizon, the sun settling over the peaks of hills, your spirit now bit by bit rekindled and waiting for the next chapter of your soldier life to gradually unfold. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm still not over Erwin's death unfortunately, but hope you enjoyed! Comments/Feedback are always appreciated :)


End file.
